So it's like 10 o clock at night, I've been late to work every day this week, and I haven't heard from James for a little while, I'm stressed, worried, tired and just ready to relax...
Finally all the kids are in bed, I have managed to clear a path to the bathroom through the toys, crayons, paper (I usually let Drake color on the bills... that way when I'm late on my payments at least they think I took the time to decorate the bill....) and other misc. things...
I light some candles, get undressed and lean into the tub to turn the water on.... and then I see it...... I small spider just sitting inside the tub on the other side... ICK.... so I get a baby shoe (aka my spider crusher) and I lean back in and then I look to back far side of the tub and see him... THIS HUGE UGLY BLACK HAIRY SPIDER.... I'm talking like HUGE! (okay soo maybe not like tarantula big but huge nontheless.....) now I'm terrified.... I can't just leave them there they could crawl out and eat me in my sleep!!! I cant' squash him with my kids shoe cuz then I would have to lean that far over without falling into the tub with him (i'm not very graceful) so I run to the kitchen to grab ...... FURNITURE POLISH ( why furniture polish? cuz I dont use hairspray and nothing else sprays that far away) only to find out that I'm all out... must have used the whole economy size on last weeks spiders.... okay time to improvise... I found some Upholestry cleaner... yea that will work....
I grab it and look up to find that I'm naked standing in my kitchen and there are no blinds on the door to the left of me and the kitchen windows blind are open right in front of me.... oopppsss..... hopefully no one saw me!!!
Anyways, back to the mission at hand... .I run back into the bathroom (guys don't get any images it's not like the baywatch run.. I'm flat as a board so there is no exciting bouncing going on) and i spray the little spider first... that way if it doesn't work I don't just piss off the HUGE one. It seems to work quite well he curls up in the white foam and just lays there for a few minutes... so then I spray the FREAKIN HUGE one... and it seems to do the trick, but just incase I keep spraying for a few more moments.... just to make sure ya know. All seems good, I'm a little freaked out but managed to get this far without crying... YAY ME....
So i grab a cup of water to wash them down the drain... all is going well until........ DUM DA DUM...
THE FREAKIN HUGE SPIDER CLIMBS BACK OUT OF THE DRAIN!!! OMG it's like my worst nightmare come to life... now i'm crying...... crying... crying....crying..... sobbing... curled in a little ball on the other side of the room.... (at least until i remember that there was a spider there the toher day and there could be more...)
I decide if I can make it through Army basic training I should be able to kill a damn spider in my bathtub.... with the new "army of one" attitude I get up and spray the fucking spider again.... okay yea so I'm fighting back the tears the whole time, and a small part of me is thinking.. aww that poor thing must be soo scared (after I had kids everything became all mushy and sad, and scared...) then I remind myself that it is the enemy and if he wouldn't have found his way into my bathroom I wouldn't have to do this too him (yea I believe I may over analyze just a bit...)
so I spray probalby 1/4 of the can into the tub... I wonder if it counts as cleaning the tub... hmmm anways (sorry for the add moment) and then I wash him down again, watching for a full 5 minutes to make sure he doesn't climb back out, at this point I was thinking of turnign on the water in the tub to rinse him down instead of taking the cup to the sink, but then I would have to reach into the tub and he could jump out of the drain and eat my hand off....
So no shower for me last night... although I did stare at the tub at least 10 more times before going to bed... Just in case.....
And needless to say, I was late for work the next morning cuz I couldn't sleep after the spider thing for another 3 hours and then i had to get a shower in the morning......
Pathetic I know.... But even worse, you just wasted five minutes of your life that you will never get back reading this blog... way to go...
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9 comments:
LMAO!!!! Oh my gosh! I could totally see you doing this! I couldn't stop laughing! I think I peed a little and scared the shit out of Emily with my snort!! hahahahahaha!
It's gonna get ya... tee hee hee
Glad you enjoyed your little laugh... bitch...
:-) I did. I did. I did. still laughing... hahahahahahahahahaha
I randomly clicked on your name from the TT site. You are funny...because of the mental pictures you paint...i think.
Ha....buuuuut, I ain't going to laugh at you. I'm scared shitless of spiders.
Chris - thank you thank you very much. I do have my funny moments...
Slick - it's okay go ahead and laugh cuz if it wasn't me I'd be laughing my ass off!!!
No amount of bug spray can do what a slipper can do to a spider! A few placed and paced slaps of a slipper can squash the bug to the point of no return!!
Yoda - Yes that is true, but first you have to have enough guts to get close enough to hit it with a slipper... I like killing them from a distance better. Plus this one time I smashed a spider that was crawling beside me on the ground with an empty cig pack and smeared it all around and 5 minutes later he got back up and ran at me!!! Never going to be that close again!!!!
I think you may be my long lost twin! I've blogged my far share of scary spider stories. Along with roaches, they are the most terrifying little creepies.
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